If you see this - if I have decided to show it to you - then it's because I need you try to understand me. Please, please do. I keep this blog because my feelings can get so overwhelming that I need to let them out, irrationality included, so that I can calm down enough to function normally. So that I can try to understand how I feel and then try and self-diagnose myself. But that usually entails typing every single thought I have, no matter how ugly they are, and this entry is not an exception.

This is linked to my Facebook, which is one reason I said I couldn't trust you with my account. I was afraid you'd see it in my laptop, which is why I was so paranoid when I asked you if you'd checked my history. I never wanted you to see all my outbursts or stupidity or insecurity. You said you didn't want to see me in pain. You said you didn't want to hurt me. Well, I feel the same - I didn't want to show you my pain. Never wanted to tell you all the times I felt inadequate and undeserving, or all the times I've felt like you should break up with me because I can't make you happy. Never wanted you to have to go through the trouble of understanding me, because most of the time I can't even understand myself. I felt like you didn't deserve to go through the unhappiness of knowing you hurt me, because I know I get hurt too easily, anyway. This is a burden that I've tried to get over alone, because like you, people can't deal with seeing others constantly sad or hurt. But I can't handle myself anymore. I can't control my feelings now. It's affecting us, and I'm too afraid of losing you.

I know I'm hard to love. I'm either really clingy and needy, emotionally detached and distant, or completely hysterical. I wish I could be more stable but it's so hard. Right now, I can barely stop myself from crying. Honestly, I thought I got better after high school - I used to feel so empty then. I used to go home feeling like my days weren't worth anything, and I wasn't exactly sure what I was living for, or even if I wanted to live at all. My mood swings were horrible. Either I was really cynical and disparaging, thinking that I was better than everyone else, or I was convinced that I was the stupidest person on earth and no one would ever really love me because I was a failure. Once, I cried in the bathroom for no reason at all.

Since then, and until only recently, I thought I was recovering slowly but surely, because I was able to be more productive and didn't have suicidal thoughts too often. But looking back on it, I have never been truly well. I'm still the same. In fact, it may have gotten worse because I realize I'm so good at hiding it, sometimes even from myself. The truth is, I still beat myself up for not scoring higher on tests (and this is only one manifestation of my depression). I compare myself to my friends, and it's horrible because I either think really highly of myself for doing better, or I think I'm a complete failure because I didn't. They're not things I can just shrug off. To be honest, I think this particular depressive episode may have stemmed from being rejected by all the companies I applied to. I wasn't able to get into an internship whereas they all did, and I've been feeling so bad about it that it's hindering me from doing other things. I probably did badly on that exam on Friday, for one. And of course, there's that issue of you getting iffy about me hugging you all the time.

About that - I'm sorry. Again, I beg you to please understand me. I'm not asking you to constantly accept my hugs, but I'm so insecure about everything in my life that I need constant assurance that I'm alright. That someone actually cares and loves me. It's difficult for me to trust someone because they usually don't understand how I feel, so I rely on affection as one of the ways to boost my self-esteem, which is also why I hug and kiss my friends a lot.

When you came along, it became a kind of obsession to feel loved. It's horrible. I don't want this either - I want to love you; I want us to have a healthy relationship; I want us to work out. But I'm becoming too dependent on your love to function. I cry incessantly when we don't get along, even if it's just the smallest thing. Last Friday, I cried in the car and then all night at home after I felt like you didn't want to respond to my affection. I thought maybe we needed to talk, and that's why I said I felt needy, but then I felt like you didn't want to talk to me so I just tried to sleep so that I would have a break from all the self-destructive thoughts.

I really, really love you. Apart from the obsession I sometimes feel, I do. I want to help you and see you happy and support you and care about you. But I know I'm not good for you in this state, and I don't want this relationship to be a sad one because you have to take care of me. You deserve happiness, and I can't give it to you right now. To be honest, if I were you I'd get out of this quickly, because I can't guarantee that I'm ever going to fully recover. I've been like this for 9 years, ever since grade 6. But I'm too selfish to tell you to leave me. I want you here.

That's why I'm finally going to seek professional help. I'm afraid and I really don't want to take medication, and I don't want to be deprived of my opportunities when people find out I'm depressed (because employers won't want me, and even our org won't want to have someone this unstable as one of its leaders), but I realize that I really do need to talk to a therapist. I'm afraid it's only going to get worse and I won't ever be able to form good relationships with anybody.

I know we might not end up working out, anyway. After reading all of this, you might understand me, or you might not. You may not want to stay with me, but don't feel guilty if you feel like we should break up. I'm telling you all of this because I don't want you to be in a relationship with someone you can't handle. I'm trying my best not to lean on you, but I can't promise that my problems won't still affect you or tire you out.