You just can't tell who to trust in this world.

I feel like I can't do what I want to without even my closest friends thinking that I'm incredibly annoying. I don't know if I should be able to say "This is who I am; you shouldn't try and change it," or if I should just zip my mouth and stomach all of it. I don't know if it's fair for me to demand that they tell me when they don't like me, because I of all people know how difficult it is to confront someone about things like that. It takes a gigantic amount of courage.

The thing is, I wouldn't know how to start all over again without them in my life. I'm just lost. I don't know if I've surrounded myself with bad people, or if I'm really the one in the wrong. Either way, they're fully entangled in my life, and I couldn't get away from them if I tried. They're in my course, not to mention my org. They're the people I hang out with when I have free time; they're who I work with. They're the friends I spill my secrets to; they're the ones I rely on.

I love them. They're my closest friends.

How can I just burn the bridges?

Maybe I'm just scared, because I have no idea what's out there waiting for me. Or if there actually is anything waiting for me at all. Would people let me be that close to them? And besides, I'm terrified of falling into the same trap and entering a similar circle of friends. I'm so paranoid that other people are thinking the same things, or will think the same things. It's so painful to be conscious of what I'm doing all the time... like I'm being fake; like my actions are all premeditated.

At times, when I feel like I really am a spiteful bitch, I wonder if maybe I would've been different had I been friends with other people. Maybe I wouldn't be so cynical, or insecure, or unfaithful, or depressed. But then I realize that I can't entirely blame them for who I am, anyway.

No matter what happens, regardless of the debatable existence of their concern, I will never hate them. I couldn't. I can't.

I just don't know how to function anymore.