Maybe I just want to be worth something.

Maybe I just want to feel like there's something out there for me - a niche in which only I perfectly fit; a place in the world that no one can take away from me.

Maybe it's just the feeling of instability. The horror that, at any unpredictable moment, a violent tremor will shake me to the core and throw me off balance forever.

Maybe it's the insecurity that never seems to go away, if I remember all of those awkward social situations, and the stupid things I did within the circumstantial boundaries.

Maybe it's the feeling of disappointment, because I never feel like I'm good enough.

Maybe I'm really not good enough at all, and I'm never going to be.

Maybe I'm just frustrated with myself for trying to excel at something and failing when other people don't.

Maybe it's the emptiness of actually beating somebody at something, and realizing that it doesn't really matter; that it's not going to make me feel any better; that it doesn't mean anything at all. 

Maybe it's my loneliness, and a vague feeling of wanting something. Anything.

Maybe it's all that could've been, all that never was, and all I want there to be. Maybe it's the separation between those three.

Maybe it's the reality behind all the farces; maybe it's my refusal to truly accept that there will always be people who smile while they stab me. My stubborn determination not to acknowledge the truth.

Maybe it's the people I love, the people I don't love, the people I don't know, and the people I want to know.

Maybe it's as simple as the silence; the time of the day.

Maybe it isn't directly a fault of any abstract thought or occurrence. Maybe it's my hormones on overdrive.

Maybe I actually am abnormal.

Maybe I'm just sick to my stomach.

Maybe it's simply that, despite all of these fears, there is an irrational indifference; a detachment; an apathy that I can't understand.

Maybe that's what scares me the most.