I can't sleep.

I can't sleep because every time I get to be around you I act a little differently because my nerves are jacked up and my palms are all sweaty and I can't for the life of me remember how I usually am with you, until I remember that there is no usual, and end up just hiding my face behind my hands and berating my awkwardness until 5 in the morning. Simply speaking, there is no getting used to the spark that threatens to consume me each time I am with you. And it scares me.

I won't say that I don't understand this because I know exactly what I am going through. It feels the same and yet different from before; the butterflies and the shaky smiles and my on-edge behavior. I am going through my internal Chris-Crocker-merged-with-Tigas-na-Emo phase, and this can only mean that I am about to take a joyride through a whirlwind of emotions again.

I like you.

And I know what that entails: countless wasted hours of rolling around in bed grasping at vague hints of your wholly-requited love for me, and more countless wasted hours of griping to my bored and annoyed friends because I know that you will never see me in the same light. It's another one of those strange, crazy high school crushes whose occurrences I thought would decrease slowly into nothingness... and yet here I am, feeling like I'm 12 again and I just met the first boy I would ever fall in love with.

And it scares me; really it does. First of all because I'm not 12 anymore and I understand the delusions these feelings bring, second of all because I can't stop myself from having those delusions anyway, and third of all because this gravitation towards the charming gap in your two front teeth will inevitably bring me into that universe of emotions that I thought I'd already left behind. I know this might just be infatuation, I know you're not perfect, and I know you have flaws, but I choose to blind myself from them and keep guffawing at your jokes anyway. It's the same process, and yet different, specifically because now I've realized that I can still keep having these explosions pumping through my veins even after being quite dormant for three years.

Yes, I know, you might be wondering about what lay before these times, and yes, it's not fair. I've liked people before you, and I almost got into something serious with one of them without feeling the same intensity I do with you. But honestly, I really did think that that was only a characteristic of attractions held by inexperienced pre-teens and teenagers too immature for even their teenage label. And then you might still wonder, because I already liked you before and then liked other guys, and why would I suddenly be head-over-heels for you when I wasn't before?

But see, the thing is, I get that a lot. I develop inane crushes on guys I barely know, but to be fair, it really doesn't turn into anything serious. I mean, while I might think of someone in class, in the shower, during meetings, at breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I wouldn't be giving that someone an instant yes if he asked me to be in a relationship. I mostly get happy crushes, and there's nothing scary about those.

But then you, oh you just came along again, reappeared into my life with a halo as if cupid shot me with a late Valentine's arrow, and now I can't even think straight just imagining you smile. Actually talking to you made me realize that something could be there, and that I actually feel comfortable enough with you to expose, layer by layer, who I really am. No, it's the way you shock my insides each time that renders these layers ready for peeling. And it scares me because getting this deep into things leaves me vulnerable to the other emotions that inevitably burst my happy bubble, and I know that I'm not too in love with you yet to let go of my selfishness and not get extremely affected by the idea that you will never like me back.

And I'm sorry. The raincloud inside of me tells me with certainty that you will never like me back, because I'm a weirdo and I can't respond to your attempts at conversation like a normal human being due to my bewilderment at your perfection for me, but I can't help myself. The more time I spend with you, the crazier my internal organs get in sloshing about inside my ribcage, trying to tell me that I will really fall absolutely, 100% in love with you if I don't stop now. Sorry organs, but I can't do anything about that problem.

All I can do for now is hope and pray and beg that I can push visions of your face aside for a moment just so I can fall asleep.