Ever since I read The Unbearable Lightness of Being, I haven't been able to get one line out of my head. It's something I have long been wishing to express, but of course, not everybody is a literary genius like Milan Kundera who can create such meaning in less than ten words. And yet he has managed to capture, with a single phrase, what I previously thought was one of my most inexplicable feelings.

"Vertigo, the insuperable longing to fall."

I just feel like there is so much pressure in this world. In all of our lives, we strive for something we think would give us meaning - a reason to live. We act, and we keep doing things for the sake of our dreams in the hopes that one day, we'll have built something magnificent that will give us the ideal happiness we seek. And so we keep climbing and reaching levels higher than we could ever have imagined, but suddenly we look over the edge at all we've overcome... and there it is. Vertigo.

I honestly don't think a lot of people would understand that. They're always thinking of not trashing all your efforts because that would be "such a waste," or that life would just be meaningless if you give up. Maybe some people don't ever feel like they want to fail. Maybe they don't comprehend that it feels good to fail sometimes. Who knows? It's not exactly a common topic, and maybe I'm the only person who feels this way because I've got quite the propensity for depression. But maybe I'm not getting my point across, either, because for me, this is not about sadness. This is about the happiness that comes with not having so much to carry on your back. This is about the relief and the fulfillment of failing through and through; of actually betraying everything you've ever lived for. It may sound romanticized when I talk about it this way, and maybe it really is, but I haven't felt a lot of things that are quite as consuming.

Could I honestly ever explain this better than Kundera; in the context of his philosophical narrative? I would have to delve into heaviness and lightness and all that jazz about the burdens we carry with us, just so you could maybe grasp what this means for you. All I can say, really, is that sometimes you don't want permanence; you don't want the stain of indelible ink or the affirmation of repetitiveness. All you need is to feel free.

And so I am going to go ahead in the circumstance of my measly, singular life and tell you that I honestly do want to fall. The drop is always there, calling to me. To be perfectly truthful, of course I would never have the guts to throw away everything I've ever done just to stop myself from all of this frustration. I'm not that strong. But every once in a while, I just like to remind myself that there is that choice. And that I can choose it whenever I like. That comforts me enough.